It’s the voice inside my head,
memories mix together with my insecurities that leave me feeling so alone.
I sit alone within my thoughts,
fighting with myself tooth and nail trying to determine which losing side I should chose.
On one side is logic and reason.
“Think about your family” it says.
“Are you so selfish that you would hurt the ones that love you?”
“No.” I think.
But just around the corner is the other side; one of emotions and conviction.
I replay in my mind all of the mistakes, unresolved misunderstandings, people that I’ve lost that meant so much to me.
It all flashes before me as if to say..
“I told you so, just end it.”
The conviction whispers in my ear “They all left for a reason.”
Convincing me that they are better off without me.
“What are you waiting for?..”
“That’s a lie!” Logic will scream!
“Don’t be naive, you aren’t alone. You’ll get through this.”
The voices continue to combat with each other, as if my life is up for debate.
I try to silence them because they’re driving me closer to the edge.
I can’t handle it…
I have a pounding in my chest; a knot that won’t unravel.
I press and press on the uncomfortable pressure that’s inside; underneath my chest cavity the anxiety roars like a lion about to pounce on his prey.
I try to hold him down… but it’s too late.
The lion has ripped me apart, I can’t hide from the pain.
It’s all I can see.
I’m suddenly surrounded, by the lies, the abuse, neglect, loneliness…
Misery loves my company but I don’t want this life. I didn’t ask for this.
I just want it to end.
Beyond exhausted, mentally and emotionally.
Ready to give in.
How do you hold on? How do you move forward?
For the first time my mind starts to settle, the voices subside to a distant echo bantering in the background.
I remind myself rapidly, Just Breathe.
Slowly but surely trying to grasp reality.
I can feel the air consuming my entire body, my limbs shake like teeth chattering in the brisk cold.
Just breathe – slow breaths.
Reason comes back in to view.
I grab for a pillow, something to hold on to.
I bury my face into the center, like a brick falling into a cloud.
I’m consumed by comfort.
My body steadily reaches solace as I ease in to the bed.
Blanketing my anxiety, it all but dissipates.
Lingering, ready to return at a moments notice.
My eyes, on the verge of collapse.
My face, now as dry as the Sahara desert.
My mind, exhausted.
My escape, sleep.