Here is a story… The story of me. Not all of me, but me right now. The me I hate! The me I can’t even look at anymore without wondering where it all went wrong.
The story of my struggle.
“Where did my life go?!”
I ask myself this question several times a day.
First when I wake up and my apartment is a wreck but I just can’t find the motivation or willpower to pick it up; much like my life. Then a few more times throughout the day like when I realize my boyfriend and I work our fingers to the bone to barely get by. And again when I look at my bank account and realize I’ll have to miss my car payment yet again for ANOTHER month….. I know I know… money issues should be the least of my concerns right?
I’m happy (mostly) I’m healthy, I have a great partner who loves me through all my craziness….
But it’s not just the money for me….
It’s the feeling I can’t shake no matter how hard I try.
The ache in my brain that whispers hypothetical struggles in my ear that I’m so afraid of…..
What if this is all I get? All I’m meant to be….. all I’ll ever have??
What if this is the fullest my life will ever be.
This one bedroom apartment….
This car that I no longer can afford…..
This relationship that I cherish with all my heart; but it pains me to know that where we are at in our lives does not permit for us to be anything more than what we are now…. no matter how our hearts feel
This day to day copy and paste of a life I don’t remember choosing. A life I didn’t plan.
As this all rushes through my mind, I come back to reality to find myself sobbing in my living room wanting to just give up.
And then I look up and I hear his words. The words of a wonderful man that’s loved me since we were kids and still loves me now, even when I don’t love myself. His words are kind and full of love and right then I realize….
I am 22 years old…. I don’t have to know what I’m doing right now!
I may be broke as hell, but I’m trying my best.
My car payment may be late, but I’ll pay it eventually.
My life may be an absolute shit show, headed in any direction at any given moment with no warning, but this life is MINE.
I am here for a reason!
And one day I’ll wake up and this life I’m living right now will all but be a distant memory, a story of how I got to where I’m supposed to be. A reminder that without my struggles, I never would have found the strength to climb this mountain of life, reach the top and finally…. after so many years…. sit back and enjoy the view.
That is what I’m working for. Today, tomorrow and all other days might kick me in the ass…. but SOMEDAY it will all be worth it!